Friday, June 22, 2012

New Circle of Hell Added for Sandusky's Lawyer

Inspires New Circle of Hell
Just moments ago, Satan announced a new circle of hell will be installed for Joseph Amendola, the defense lawyer for child rapist Jerry Sandusky.

When pressed for details on this new concentric circle of suffering, the Prince of Darkness remained coy.
"That's the beauty of this new circle. No one will know what suffering lays ahead for it's doomed inhabitants, and no one would ever believe them if they told!"

After watching the awful details of the Sandusky trial unfold, Satan conceded, "I really need to get back on my game. After all, there is nothing more evil in this universe than a man who systematically rapes the shit out of defenseless children, except, of course, for the lawyer who defends him by cooking up stories about histrionic personality disorder or characterizing rape victims as liars."

In addition to a new circle, Hell will also undergo new infernal renovations to it's 8th and 9th circles, a project due to be complete by the time all the treacherous souls that lied to cover up Sandusky's crimes are due to arrive.

Dubstep Plays in Hell
Despite all these changes to his eternal lair of damnation, Lucifer remained stoic.

"After listening to the testimony of Sandusky's victims, it sounds like Earth is not much different than hell these days. Fuck, if I can convince Skrillex to DJ on Fridays, no one will even know the difference anymore!" -TJ

Update: After announcing he would have a heart attack if his client was acquitted, Joseph Amendola received a handwritten note, confirmed to be from The Devil, stating simply, "I got your burden of proof right here. Mwaaa haaa haaaa haaaa!"

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Is Cookie Monster a Puppet of the Vegetable Industrial Complex?

Cookies a 'sometime food'?
Is Cookie Monster merely trying to spell out a message of eating well by calling cookies a “sometime food”, or is he part of a larger conspiracy, as critics on both the right and the left claim?

With popular conspiracy theories about President Obama’s citizenship or the death of Osama Bin Laden running out of steam, conspiracy theorists on both the right and the left are now turning their attention to Cookie Monster and his “N” is for Nutrition Campaign.
Marxist Puppets?

Consummate cookie baker and avid Fox News viewer Selma Hornblatt of Bridgeport, West Virginia, charged “Cookie Monster is part of “The Muppets”, or should I say ‘Marxist Puppets’, trying to tell me and all the other hardworking Americans how to live their life!”

As Mrs. Hornblatt meticulously shaped and decorated sugar cookies she concluded, “Cookies as a ‘sometimes food’, my ass! Cookies are a goddamn institution of American life, and I will not let some Communist puppet tell me what to feed myself or my family!”
Opiate of the Masses?
Ideologies on the left are not without their own conspiracy theorists, such as Edmund Plack of Oakland, Calfornia. Plack spends endless days and nights in his apartment, a veritable fishbowl of incense and second hand smoke, hunched over his laptop tweeting about Cookie Monster’s campaign.

“Cookie Monster is just a puppet for the Vegetable –Industrial complex. See now, cookies are the last staples of free thought in this oligarchy they call America,” Plack theorized as he paused to inhale. “It’s, like, you can’t censor cookies … and broccoli is the opiate of the masses, that’s why they want to make cookies a ‘sometime food’.”

Michelle Bachmann, had this to say as she reclined on Plack’s easy boy and licked her own hand-rolled cigarette, “I had a mother come up to me last night and told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that broccoli. And she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”

Bachmann then blinked confusedly and wondered aloud, “What were we just talking about?”

Strangely enough, Eric Bolling wasn’t available for comment. – T.J.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

House Republicans finally understand the definition of rape after drunken night with Ted Haggard

Complicated heterosexual
often on his knees
 After House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) spent a wild booze filled night with Ted Haggard, a fallen evangelical pastor with a taste for meth and male prostitutes,  a sea change has spread among House Republicans that have previously spent much of the 2011 legislative session redefining the legal recognition of rape, instead of fulfilling their campaign promises of jobs and financial security.

"Is all this my fault?"
Vaguely recalling an evening that started out as an innocent cocktail hour with Haggard, a so-called "heterosexual with complications", Boehner issued a statement claiming he does not recollect anything past his 4th glass of Merlot. Without giving any further details, Boehner only elaborated that he  was "violated, without a doubt".

As tears welled up in his eyes, Speaker Boehner wondered aloud, "Was there something suggestive about my demeanor or manner of dress? Is all this, somehow, my fault?"

Strangely enough, other heterosexuals in the Republican party were not available for comment - TJ

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore to Marry in NYC

Gay Marriage in NYC Begins Today
Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore stood in line with 823 other gay couples to exchange vows of matrimony in lower Manhattan this morning, much to the surprise of gay marriage supporters, and opponents alike.

"I fucking give up"
Upon hearing the news of the fictional character's planned nuptials, Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage broke out in tears and shouted, "The Gays won! I fucking give up! The Institution of Marriage is dead as hell!" 

While Ms. Gallagher would not give any official statements to the press, she could be heard mumbling between fistfuls of Valium and street vendor hot dogs, "I based my life and career on making gay people feel less than human, and what do I have to show it? Harry Fucking Potter getting gay married?! Life as we know it has ended!"

While the rest of the Potter-Dumbledore family were not in attendance for their legal marriage ceremony, their publicist did acknowledge the couple would be holding a tasteful collaring ceremony in the privacy of their home, thereby solemnizing their BDSM relationship, in addition their legal marriage. While neither partner would admit which one would be receiving the collar, Dumbledore did suggestively wave his wand and proclaim "Alternative Wizard Lifestyles, 1,  Moral Fiber of America, 0!" -TJ

Monday, June 13, 2011

Drinking Game Rules for G.O.P. Presidential Debate in New Hampshire

What in the hell IS she smoking?

1) Puff, puff pass if a candidate favors legalizing marijuana. Follow up with a shot if you would start doing heroin once Ron Paul legalized it as President.

2) Drink once if  you can identify whatever the hell Michelle Bachmann  is smoking.

3) Make someone else drink if YOU are smoking whatever Michelle Bachmann is smoking.

4) Take a shot if a candidate pisses on American history.

5) Take two shots if a candidate runs on a platform of  withdrawing our country from the baseless wars. (Get your Jim Beam ready, bitches. This is New Hampshire). 

6) Finish your drink if a candidate demonizes gays, working mothers, immigrants, muslims or all those media folk that insist on perpetrating blood libel against Sarah Palin instead of offering real solutions. (It's going to be long night!) 

7) Drink once if a candidate supports making English the official language of the U.S.A. Follow that drink up with a shot if said candidate is himself a sexual neologism.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pro-life Activists Protest Single Man's Friday Night Masturbation Session

Recently single Jake Hallendale was horrified to learn that his Friday night masturbation session, an event he normally enjoys privately with the aid of a Victoria's Secret catalog and copious amounts of petroleum jelly, was being interrupted by a group of pro-lifers outside his home.

One protester, 82 year old Thelma Snodblatt, was arrested and taken away from the protest scene for attempting to break down Hallendale's door, screaming, "Every single precious spermatozoa gluing those Victoria's Secret catalogue pages together are a potential Tim Tebow!".

When asked for comment, Hallandale replied, "It's humiliating enough that I don't have a date on Friday night and that I'm home alone rubbing one out. Now these Jesus freaks feel like they have the right try to control where I shoot my load? That's just compounding the pain!"

Despite being shocked and horrified by the egregious violation of his privacy, Hallendale affirmed his right to ejaculate wherever, and whenever, he saw fit, regardless of who he happened to fertilize, if at all. "This is just a bunch of cum spread over my never to be realized fantasies of Heidi Klum. If you really want to control someone else's reproduction in the name of the Lord, then by God, teach those nutcase Palin chicks how to use a diaphragm!" - TJ

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

'Obamacare' To Blame For Venereal Disease, House Republicans Claim

'Obamacare' causes 'The Clap'
In a secret meeting of House G.O.P members before today's debate on Capitol Hill over the repeal of the Health Care Affordability act, it was revealed that an unnamed Republican caught chlamydia, or "The Clap", from so-called "Obmacare", anonymous sources disclosed today.

In deference to the tragedy in Tucson earlier last week, Republicans toned down their rhetoric and left out the word "killing" in their debate,  instead claiming that Obamacare was "destroying" jobs, as well as degrading the quality of condoms House Republicans use in illicit affairs with 20 something club kids.

While failing to logically link either job-destroying or prophylactic failure to Obamacare, Sam Johnson (R-Texas) did give a rousing speech on the floor, "I rise in support of freedom, and America, and free enterprise, and America. As you know, under Obamacare, the federal government forces freedom-loving Americans to hand over their hard-earned cash, to the government, and forces conservative leaders to put out recklessly at a White Party in Palm Springs. Liberty, liberty, freedom!" - TJ