Friday, June 22, 2012

New Circle of Hell Added for Sandusky's Lawyer

Inspires New Circle of Hell
Just moments ago, Satan announced a new circle of hell will be installed for Joseph Amendola, the defense lawyer for child rapist Jerry Sandusky.

When pressed for details on this new concentric circle of suffering, the Prince of Darkness remained coy.
"That's the beauty of this new circle. No one will know what suffering lays ahead for it's doomed inhabitants, and no one would ever believe them if they told!"

After watching the awful details of the Sandusky trial unfold, Satan conceded, "I really need to get back on my game. After all, there is nothing more evil in this universe than a man who systematically rapes the shit out of defenseless children, except, of course, for the lawyer who defends him by cooking up stories about histrionic personality disorder or characterizing rape victims as liars."

In addition to a new circle, Hell will also undergo new infernal renovations to it's 8th and 9th circles, a project due to be complete by the time all the treacherous souls that lied to cover up Sandusky's crimes are due to arrive.

Dubstep Plays in Hell
Despite all these changes to his eternal lair of damnation, Lucifer remained stoic.

"After listening to the testimony of Sandusky's victims, it sounds like Earth is not much different than hell these days. Fuck, if I can convince Skrillex to DJ on Fridays, no one will even know the difference anymore!" -TJ

Update: After announcing he would have a heart attack if his client was acquitted, Joseph Amendola received a handwritten note, confirmed to be from The Devil, stating simply, "I got your burden of proof right here. Mwaaa haaa haaaa haaaa!"