Thursday, December 8, 2011

Is Cookie Monster a Puppet of the Vegetable Industrial Complex?

Cookies a 'sometime food'?
Is Cookie Monster merely trying to spell out a message of eating well by calling cookies a “sometime food”, or is he part of a larger conspiracy, as critics on both the right and the left claim?

With popular conspiracy theories about President Obama’s citizenship or the death of Osama Bin Laden running out of steam, conspiracy theorists on both the right and the left are now turning their attention to Cookie Monster and his “N” is for Nutrition Campaign.
Marxist Puppets?

Consummate cookie baker and avid Fox News viewer Selma Hornblatt of Bridgeport, West Virginia, charged “Cookie Monster is part of “The Muppets”, or should I say ‘Marxist Puppets’, trying to tell me and all the other hardworking Americans how to live their life!”

As Mrs. Hornblatt meticulously shaped and decorated sugar cookies she concluded, “Cookies as a ‘sometimes food’, my ass! Cookies are a goddamn institution of American life, and I will not let some Communist puppet tell me what to feed myself or my family!”
Opiate of the Masses?
Ideologies on the left are not without their own conspiracy theorists, such as Edmund Plack of Oakland, Calfornia. Plack spends endless days and nights in his apartment, a veritable fishbowl of incense and second hand smoke, hunched over his laptop tweeting about Cookie Monster’s campaign.

“Cookie Monster is just a puppet for the Vegetable –Industrial complex. See now, cookies are the last staples of free thought in this oligarchy they call America,” Plack theorized as he paused to inhale. “It’s, like, you can’t censor cookies … and broccoli is the opiate of the masses, that’s why they want to make cookies a ‘sometime food’.”

Michelle Bachmann, had this to say as she reclined on Plack’s easy boy and licked her own hand-rolled cigarette, “I had a mother come up to me last night and told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that broccoli. And she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”

Bachmann then blinked confusedly and wondered aloud, “What were we just talking about?”

Strangely enough, Eric Bolling wasn’t available for comment. – T.J.