Friday, December 24, 2010

Condom Use justified For Prostitutes Avoiding HIV, Still Unacceptable For Contraception or Priest's Rape Victims

The rare sight of consenting adults taking off
their clothes in a room full of priests
In a surprise proclamation, Pope Benedict XVI decreed that condom use is justified in special cases, such as prostitutes trying to prevent HIV infection, though he did maintain that condom use is still unacceptable for the use of contraception or for priest's rape victims.

The Holy Father points out that the use of a condom "with the intention of reducing the risk of infection, can be a first step in a movement towards a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality. But condoms sure as hell won't stand in the way of priests raping children, a tradition almost as old as the church itself."

Even the lesbians liked
the shirtless acrobats
In another unusually hard line regarding individuals in the priesthood "who are affected" with homosexuality, he said, "they must at least try not to express this inclination towards other men who are consenting adults. Sex with other adults, for Chrissakes? That's not why the Holy Roman Catholic Church was invented!" - TJ

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sen. John McCain and Sen. Bob Corker, fucking hippies, don't want immigrants or gays to serve in the military.

Whiny fucking hippies Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Sen. Bob Corker (D-ouche) have made it their mission in this ever thrilling lame duck session of Congress to keeps gays & immigrants from serving in the military. 

Despite dissenting views of the American public, Defense Sec. Robert Gates, Lady GaGa and even members of his own his family, John McCain refuses to budge on repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or passing The Dream Act. “We're in two wars, and I believe that right now would not be the right time to repeal it. That's my position and I will hold it.”

Sen. Corker is so adamant in his opposition to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the archaic 17 year old law that forces gays and lesbians to lie about their sexuality while serving their country, that he is prepared to stall ratification of the START treaty. Taking a hit off his joint, Sen. Corker intimated "...these issues that have been brought forth that are absolutely partisan political issues. I'm hoping that those will be taken down or I don't think the future of the START treaty over the next several days will be successful, man!"

Completely heterosexual Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) was equally as vague, telling Politico's Manu Raju, "The lame-duck is beginning to smell up the place."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Real or Satire? Randall Terry prophesies plague of raining plastic fetus dolls if House G.O.P does not meet demands.

Randall Terry, the bombastic leader of Operation Rescue and hypocritical proponent of so-called "family values", met with House Speaker-elect John Boehner and other G.O.P. members of the House of Representatives just days after the election.  In that meeting Terry prophesied a plague of raining plastic fetus dolls upon the House of Representatives if extreme demands such as defunding Planned Parenthood are not met.

In an appeal to his supporters he proclaimed, “They Must Fear Pro-Lifers!” Not surprisingly, the affluent Terry made an appeal for a large cash donation to fund such noble activities such as “PRAY, then film interviews, do our TV show from Capitol hill, preach as Hill staff enter, protest, PRAY again, humiliate women as they head into clinics for an abortion and knock them up all over again once they come back out.” -TJ

This is, in fact, satire. We have absolutely no idea what batshit nuts Randall Terry will do if the House GOP does not meet his demands, but we are absolutely sure he will piss away his supporters money in the process.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Westboro Baptist Church plans to go back in time and protest Jesus Christ on the cross

After a litany of bizarre protests at funerals of fallen soldiers, hate crime victims and public figures, the infamous Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they are staging a protest against Jesus Christ on the cross.

After taking a hit off the family crack pipe, Fred Phelps, supreme douchebag and leader of the renegade church, outlined his plan to lead his followers back in time to the ancient and storied Crucifixion in order to inform the world that God, indeed, hates Jesus Christ. “As soldiers of God, we are defying the socialist laws of time and space that God hates so much to go back 2000 years and protest the martyrdom of our so-called Lord Jesus Christ.”

Megan Phelps-Roper, a prominent member who often functions as the social networking liaison for the church declared, “Jesus Christ is a Jew, a socialist, a long haired hippie that wanders around the desert with prostitutes and other Jews, healing the sick and turning water into wine. God hates Jews. God hates socialism. God hates hookers. And God especially obviously hates his only begotten son since he left him to die on the cross. God hates Jesus Christ!”

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding the Westboro Baptist Church’s protest of Jesus Christ on the cross. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Westboro Baptist Church should override the concerns of the martyred Christ. In our judgment, supporting the Westboro Baptist Church is not about rights, its about what's right." -TJ

Monday, December 6, 2010

Charles J. Cooper prays to Baby Jesus

Following his comically piss-poor performance defending California’s Proposition 8 today, Charles  J. Cooper had only one prayer to his magical baby Jesus friend this afternoon. “Please,” he beseeched whilst on bended knee in front of his church’s nativity scene, “please, please, show me how to properly argue a case in court”.

Baby Jesus of Nazareth, refused to comment on Cooper’s inability to explain why a deputy clerk of Imperial County had any standing in a federal case or why he couldn’t providing any evidence that Prop 8 should be upheld beyond, “We don’t need any evidence.” Instead, baby Jesus just replied, “I only turn water into wine. This Charles J. Cooper dude needs a fucking miracle.”