Friday, August 20, 2010

Real or Satire*? Heterosexuals are weakening the institution of anal sex, fundamentalist gays claim.

    A new battlefield has been declared in the culture wars with fundamentalist gay group DefendSodomy calling for a ban on anal sex between heterosexuals.  Chairman Bryce S. Brown said in a press conference Friday, “Anal sex is meant to be between one man and one other man.”  He then further added “Or a bunch of other men. Whatever.  Anal sex is just not meant to be enjoyed by women. It’s just not how God made us.”

 Thompson’s remarks are coming amid a flurry of criticism from a wide variety of heterosexuals, including teenagers that have sex without breaking their virginity pledge.  18 year old Hadassah Kinklestein explains, “Being the only Jewish kid in a Catholic school I felt pressured to take the virginity pledge and keep myself wholesome and pure.  Anal sex is the only way to get laid without breaking that pledge. Without it, we’d just be stuck giving blowjobs“. 

Many activists are firing back at DefendSodomy, including Anne and Arnold Connor from Bowling Green, Kentucky, a happily married couple who are self described anal enthusiasts.  “If you’re going to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, I say it is a gift from God to have a wife that will do anal” Arnold said.

His wife agreed stating, “I don’t need Brown telling me what’s enjoyed by women.  You think you need a prostate gland to enjoy anal? I think that choice should be up to women.”  Anne concluded saying “DefendSodomy needs to get the stick out of their asses, metaphorically speaking”.
Criticisms aimed at DefendSodomy have not fazed activists, with Brown reasoning “We cannot elevate heterosexual sodomy to the status of gay sodomy. If we allow heterosexuals to redefine anal sex, then what comes next? Women topping men, women topping women, men topping women AND men. Once you rip a ship off its mooring,” he proclaimed apocalyptically, “who knows where it will drift next?”
Oddly enough, representatives from the Holy Roman Catholic Church declined to comment on this issue. –TJ

* Satire - Hadassah Kinklestein has, in fact, been kicked out of Catholic school for some time now