Westboro Baptist Church plans to go back in time and protest Jesus Christ on the cross

After a litany of bizarre protests at funerals of fallen soldiers, hate crime victims and public figures, the infamous Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they are staging a protest against Jesus Christ on the cross.

After taking a hit off the family crack pipe, Fred Phelps, supreme douchebag and leader of the renegade church, outlined his plan to lead his followers back in time to the ancient and storied Crucifixion in order to inform the world that God, indeed, hates Jesus Christ. “As soldiers of God, we are defying the socialist laws of time and space that God hates so much to go back 2000 years and protest the martyrdom of our so-called Lord Jesus Christ.”

Megan Phelps-Roper, a prominent member who often functions as the social networking liaison for the church declared, “Jesus Christ is a Jew, a socialist, a long haired hippie that wanders around the desert with prostitutes and other Jews, healing the sick and turning water into wine. God hates Jews. God hates socialism. God hates hookers. And God especially obviously hates his only begotten son since he left him to die on the cross. God hates Jesus Christ!”

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding the Westboro Baptist Church’s protest of Jesus Christ on the cross. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Westboro Baptist Church should override the concerns of the martyred Christ. In our judgment, supporting the Westboro Baptist Church is not about rights, its about what's right." -TJ

Real or Satire*? Glenn Bleck announces his very own eight day long Festival Of Lights

In keeping with his practice of appropriating and commodifying sacrosanct traditions, Glenn Beck announced today that he is producing his very own eight day long Festival of Lights. While Beck is no stranger to controversy, many critics on both the left and the right are questioning his decision to begin his "Patriotic Festivus" on  Dec 10, 2010, which just happens to coincide with the celebration of Hanukkah.

Galena Gifeltestein of Park Slope, Brooklyn took aim at Beck, stating "First he had to stage the 9/12 march on Washington, as if we all needed to return to that fearful day after America was attacked. Then he held some disgraceful rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech. Now he wants to piss on Hanukkah? When does the megalomania end? "

When I asked my very own conservative leaning Bubby what she thought of Beck's Patriotic Festivus, all she could answer is "Oy! What the fuck are you smoking? We really need to get you married off."

Beck's answers to critics were equally as vague, stating that the Patriotic Festivus is not a religious ceremony. Rather, "The eight lit candles are to demonstrate eight core patriotic principles: Reverence, Thrift, Humility, Charity, Hard Work, Political Radicalism and Mindless Obedience." When one reporter pointed out that he only listed 7 principles, Beck brushed her off, stating "That's just what the liberal media wants us to think."

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Glenn Beck's supporters should override the rituals and traditions of our three thousand year old religion. In our judgment, supporting Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights is not about rights, its about what's right." - TJ

* This is, in fact, satire. For now. Oy.