Friday, December 24, 2010

Condom Use justified For Prostitutes Avoiding HIV, Still Unacceptable For Contraception or Priest's Rape Victims

The rare sight of consenting adults taking off
their clothes in a room full of priests
In a surprise proclamation, Pope Benedict XVI decreed that condom use is justified in special cases, such as prostitutes trying to prevent HIV infection, though he did maintain that condom use is still unacceptable for the use of contraception or for priest's rape victims.

The Holy Father points out that the use of a condom "with the intention of reducing the risk of infection, can be a first step in a movement towards a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality. But condoms sure as hell won't stand in the way of priests raping children, a tradition almost as old as the church itself."

Even the lesbians liked
the shirtless acrobats
In another unusually hard line regarding individuals in the priesthood "who are affected" with homosexuality, he said, "they must at least try not to express this inclination towards other men who are consenting adults. Sex with other adults, for Chrissakes? That's not why the Holy Roman Catholic Church was invented!" - TJ

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sen. John McCain and Sen. Bob Corker, fucking hippies, don't want immigrants or gays to serve in the military.

Whiny fucking hippies Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Sen. Bob Corker (D-ouche) have made it their mission in this ever thrilling lame duck session of Congress to keeps gays & immigrants from serving in the military. 

Despite dissenting views of the American public, Defense Sec. Robert Gates, Lady GaGa and even members of his own his family, John McCain refuses to budge on repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or passing The Dream Act. “We're in two wars, and I believe that right now would not be the right time to repeal it. That's my position and I will hold it.”

Sen. Corker is so adamant in his opposition to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the archaic 17 year old law that forces gays and lesbians to lie about their sexuality while serving their country, that he is prepared to stall ratification of the START treaty. Taking a hit off his joint, Sen. Corker intimated "...these issues that have been brought forth that are absolutely partisan political issues. I'm hoping that those will be taken down or I don't think the future of the START treaty over the next several days will be successful, man!"

Completely heterosexual Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) was equally as vague, telling Politico's Manu Raju, "The lame-duck is beginning to smell up the place."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Real or Satire? Randall Terry prophesies plague of raining plastic fetus dolls if House G.O.P does not meet demands.

Randall Terry, the bombastic leader of Operation Rescue and hypocritical proponent of so-called "family values", met with House Speaker-elect John Boehner and other G.O.P. members of the House of Representatives just days after the election.  In that meeting Terry prophesied a plague of raining plastic fetus dolls upon the House of Representatives if extreme demands such as defunding Planned Parenthood are not met.

In an appeal to his supporters he proclaimed, “They Must Fear Pro-Lifers!” Not surprisingly, the affluent Terry made an appeal for a large cash donation to fund such noble activities such as “PRAY, then film interviews, do our TV show from Capitol hill, preach as Hill staff enter, protest, PRAY again, humiliate women as they head into clinics for an abortion and knock them up all over again once they come back out.” -TJ

This is, in fact, satire. We have absolutely no idea what batshit nuts Randall Terry will do if the House GOP does not meet his demands, but we are absolutely sure he will piss away his supporters money in the process.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Westboro Baptist Church plans to go back in time and protest Jesus Christ on the cross

After a litany of bizarre protests at funerals of fallen soldiers, hate crime victims and public figures, the infamous Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they are staging a protest against Jesus Christ on the cross.

After taking a hit off the family crack pipe, Fred Phelps, supreme douchebag and leader of the renegade church, outlined his plan to lead his followers back in time to the ancient and storied Crucifixion in order to inform the world that God, indeed, hates Jesus Christ. “As soldiers of God, we are defying the socialist laws of time and space that God hates so much to go back 2000 years and protest the martyrdom of our so-called Lord Jesus Christ.”

Megan Phelps-Roper, a prominent member who often functions as the social networking liaison for the church declared, “Jesus Christ is a Jew, a socialist, a long haired hippie that wanders around the desert with prostitutes and other Jews, healing the sick and turning water into wine. God hates Jews. God hates socialism. God hates hookers. And God especially obviously hates his only begotten son since he left him to die on the cross. God hates Jesus Christ!”

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding the Westboro Baptist Church’s protest of Jesus Christ on the cross. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Westboro Baptist Church should override the concerns of the martyred Christ. In our judgment, supporting the Westboro Baptist Church is not about rights, its about what's right." -TJ

Monday, December 6, 2010

Charles J. Cooper prays to Baby Jesus

Following his comically piss-poor performance defending California’s Proposition 8 today, Charles  J. Cooper had only one prayer to his magical baby Jesus friend this afternoon. “Please,” he beseeched whilst on bended knee in front of his church’s nativity scene, “please, please, show me how to properly argue a case in court”.

Baby Jesus of Nazareth, refused to comment on Cooper’s inability to explain why a deputy clerk of Imperial County had any standing in a federal case or why he couldn’t providing any evidence that Prop 8 should be upheld beyond, “We don’t need any evidence.” Instead, baby Jesus just replied, “I only turn water into wine. This Charles J. Cooper dude needs a fucking miracle.”

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Real or Satire*? Glenn Bleck announces his very own eight day long Festival Of Lights

In keeping with his practice of appropriating and commodifying sacrosanct traditions, Glenn Beck announced today that he is producing his very own eight day long Festival of Lights. While Beck is no stranger to controversy, many critics on both the left and the right are questioning his decision to begin his "Patriotic Festivus" on  Dec 10, 2010, which just happens to coincide with the celebration of Hanukkah.

Galena Gifeltestein of Park Slope, Brooklyn took aim at Beck, stating "First he had to stage the 9/12 march on Washington, as if we all needed to return to that fearful day after America was attacked. Then he held some disgraceful rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech. Now he wants to piss on Hanukkah? When does the megalomania end? "

When I asked my very own conservative leaning Bubby what she thought of Beck's Patriotic Festivus, all she could answer is "Oy! What the fuck are you smoking? We really need to get you married off."

Beck's answers to critics were equally as vague, stating that the Patriotic Festivus is not a religious ceremony. Rather, "The eight lit candles are to demonstrate eight core patriotic principles: Reverence, Thrift, Humility, Charity, Hard Work, Political Radicalism and Mindless Obedience." When one reporter pointed out that he only listed 7 principles, Beck brushed her off, stating "That's just what the liberal media wants us to think."

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Glenn Beck's supporters should override the rituals and traditions of our three thousand year old religion. In our judgment, supporting Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights is not about rights, its about what's right." - TJ

* This is, in fact, satire. For now. Oy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Real or satire*? GOP announces an end to the strategy of marginalizing people. Plans to focus on jobs, balancing the budget and ending un-winnable wars instead.

For many years Republicans have won elections by demonizing different groups of people in the American melting pot. Most infamously, this started with the “Southern Strategy” in the Nixon years and was continued by Reagan’s racist caricature of welfare queens in the 80s. Before the ever popular homosexual lifestyle became popular, George W. Bush won the Presidential Election in 2004 (for the first time!) by espousing the Federal Marriage Amendment, whereby the denial of marriage rights to gays and lesbians would be enshrined in the Constitution if it had passed. Even recently, Republicans have been known to fire up its base by characterizing Muslims and illegal immigrants as enemy terrorists. 

However, all of that has changed following the utterly shocking announcement that former RNC Chairman, and strident anti-gay activist, Ken Mehlman, was really just a self-loathing closet case!  Mehlman’s revelation rocked the very foundation of the GOP establishment, with current RNC Chairman Micheal Steele remarking, “Well there goes that strategy of blaming everything on the gays! Shit, now we actually have to find a way to provide real leadership to this country. ”

Steele went on further to say “So, ok. This is going to be hard, but let’s focus on creating jobs, balancing the budget and ending un-winnable wars.” When asked how he planned to end the twin quagmires of Iraq and Afghanistan he declared, “ Simple. Withdraw all of our troops and send young Republicans to Iraq, send old Republicans to Afghanistan. Hell, the old ones are going to die soon anyway.” -TJ

*Satire - Old Republicans will probably die comfortably of old age here in America. The young Republicans will probably go on to top Ken Mehlman, making him not only a huge hypocrite, but also a big ol' bottom.

Let's all join in welcoming Ken Mehlman to the ever popular homosexual lifestyle!!

I thought it was exaggeration. I thought it was sarcasm. I thought it was satire. Ken Mehlman, former RNC chairman and Bush campaign adviser who built his career off of demonizing gays, reveals he's been one of us all along! Please, let's all join in welcoming Ken Mehlman to the ever popular homosexual lifestyle. Now that Mehlman is an out and proud Republican, will he join the fight to defend the institution of anal sex from being weakened by the heterosexuals?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Real or Satire*? Heterosexuals are weakening the institution of anal sex, fundamentalist gays claim.

    A new battlefield has been declared in the culture wars with fundamentalist gay group DefendSodomy calling for a ban on anal sex between heterosexuals.  Chairman Bryce S. Brown said in a press conference Friday, “Anal sex is meant to be between one man and one other man.”  He then further added “Or a bunch of other men. Whatever.  Anal sex is just not meant to be enjoyed by women. It’s just not how God made us.”

 Thompson’s remarks are coming amid a flurry of criticism from a wide variety of heterosexuals, including teenagers that have sex without breaking their virginity pledge.  18 year old Hadassah Kinklestein explains, “Being the only Jewish kid in a Catholic school I felt pressured to take the virginity pledge and keep myself wholesome and pure.  Anal sex is the only way to get laid without breaking that pledge. Without it, we’d just be stuck giving blowjobs“. 

Many activists are firing back at DefendSodomy, including Anne and Arnold Connor from Bowling Green, Kentucky, a happily married couple who are self described anal enthusiasts.  “If you’re going to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, I say it is a gift from God to have a wife that will do anal” Arnold said.

His wife agreed stating, “I don’t need Brown telling me what’s enjoyed by women.  You think you need a prostate gland to enjoy anal? I think that choice should be up to women.”  Anne concluded saying “DefendSodomy needs to get the stick out of their asses, metaphorically speaking”.
Criticisms aimed at DefendSodomy have not fazed activists, with Brown reasoning “We cannot elevate heterosexual sodomy to the status of gay sodomy. If we allow heterosexuals to redefine anal sex, then what comes next? Women topping men, women topping women, men topping women AND men. Once you rip a ship off its mooring,” he proclaimed apocalyptically, “who knows where it will drift next?”
Oddly enough, representatives from the Holy Roman Catholic Church declined to comment on this issue. –TJ

* Satire - Hadassah Kinklestein has, in fact, been kicked out of Catholic school for some time now

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Real or Satire?* Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan, Lindsey Graham quit pretending to be straight, find out they aren’t that good at being gay either

Following much speculation about their respective sexual orientations, Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan and Lindsey Graham announced this week they are banding together to end their charade of “monastic” heterosexuality to embrace the ever popular homosexual lifestyle.  The reception of their announcement was largely positive from gay friendly heterosexuals, with pundits from both sides of the aisle praising their bipartisan effort to FINALLY come out of the closet.

However, there was criticism over the trio’s coming out from a group from you’d least expect: the gays themselves.  It seems that although Crist, Kagan and Graham did a terrible job of acting straight, they aren’t doing a satisfactory job of acting gay either.  24 year old Galena Gifeltestein from Park Slope, Brooklyn summed it up best when she explained “I use to have sexual fantasies about Elena Kagan posing suggestively across my Subaru wearing nothing but judiciously fluffed whipped cream and a smile. But now“, she gestures to a picture of Kagan donning earrings and makeup for the Senate confirmation hearings, “that fantasy has been ruined“.  Gifeltestein then added “I guess I’ll have to go back to fantasizing about Hillary Clinton.” 

Gifeltestein is certainly not alone in expressing her disdain at the rather un-gay emergence of the recently out political figures. Eric Canker,  Chairman of the (Bath)House Gays and Means committee issued a statement strongly condemning Crist’s  tanorexic appearance and Lindsey Graham’s less than shapely physique. “I mean really”,  Canker said, “could it hurt him to hit the gym once in a while?” 

Canker went further to praise the highly successful recruitment efforts of innocent children, men and women into the gay lifestyle over the past decade. “But for realz, we need to start measuring success in terms of quality, not quantity. We can’t just have these slobs representing the gay agenda. ” He then concluded his statement by snapping his fingers in the air and yelling, “Heyyyy!” 

Upon hearing the Chairman’s remarks, Charlie Crist reportedly banged his head against the wall in anguish and cried, “What can I do to live up to the cliché?” -TJ

*This is, in fact, satire. Most lesbian fantasies these days center on Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius rather than Hillary Clinton.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hello again

After floating from one ill-fated webzine to another, I've decided to set up shop on my own little modest patch of the blogosphere, commenting on the constant hilarity of the Florida 2010 elections, the nation and beyond.