Real or Satire?* Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan, Lindsey Graham quit pretending to be straight, find out they aren’t that good at being gay either

Following much speculation about their respective sexual orientations, Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan and Lindsey Graham announced this week they are banding together to end their charade of “monastic” heterosexuality to embrace the ever popular homosexual lifestyle.  The reception of their announcement was largely positive from gay friendly heterosexuals, with pundits from both sides of the aisle praising their bipartisan effort to FINALLY come out of the closet.

However, there was criticism over the trio’s coming out from a group from you’d least expect: the gays themselves.  It seems that although Crist, Kagan and Graham did a terrible job of acting straight, they aren’t doing a satisfactory job of acting gay either.  24 year old Galena Gifeltestein from Park Slope, Brooklyn summed it up best when she explained “I use to have sexual fantasies about Elena Kagan posing suggestively across my Subaru wearing nothing but judiciously fluffed whipped cream and a smile. But now“, she gestures to a picture of Kagan donning earrings and makeup for the Senate confirmation hearings, “that fantasy has been ruined“.  Gifeltestein then added “I guess I’ll have to go back to fantasizing about Hillary Clinton.” 

Gifeltestein is certainly not alone in expressing her disdain at the rather un-gay emergence of the recently out political figures. Eric Canker,  Chairman of the (Bath)House Gays and Means committee issued a statement strongly condemning Crist’s  tanorexic appearance and Lindsey Graham’s less than shapely physique. “I mean really”,  Canker said, “could it hurt him to hit the gym once in a while?” 

Canker went further to praise the highly successful recruitment efforts of innocent children, men and women into the gay lifestyle over the past decade. “But for realz, we need to start measuring success in terms of quality, not quantity. We can’t just have these slobs representing the gay agenda. ” He then concluded his statement by snapping his fingers in the air and yelling, “Heyyyy!” 

Upon hearing the Chairman’s remarks, Charlie Crist reportedly banged his head against the wall in anguish and cried, “What can I do to live up to the cliché?” -TJ


*This is, in fact, satire. Most lesbian fantasies these days center on Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius rather than Hillary Clinton.