Friday, January 21, 2011

Pro-life Activists Protest Single Man's Friday Night Masturbation Session

Recently single Jake Hallendale was horrified to learn that his Friday night masturbation session, an event he normally enjoys privately with the aid of a Victoria's Secret catalog and copious amounts of petroleum jelly, was being interrupted by a group of pro-lifers outside his home.

One protester, 82 year old Thelma Snodblatt, was arrested and taken away from the protest scene for attempting to break down Hallendale's door, screaming, "Every single precious spermatozoa gluing those Victoria's Secret catalogue pages together are a potential Tim Tebow!".

When asked for comment, Hallandale replied, "It's humiliating enough that I don't have a date on Friday night and that I'm home alone rubbing one out. Now these Jesus freaks feel like they have the right try to control where I shoot my load? That's just compounding the pain!"

Despite being shocked and horrified by the egregious violation of his privacy, Hallendale affirmed his right to ejaculate wherever, and whenever, he saw fit, regardless of who he happened to fertilize, if at all. "This is just a bunch of cum spread over my never to be realized fantasies of Heidi Klum. If you really want to control someone else's reproduction in the name of the Lord, then by God, teach those nutcase Palin chicks how to use a diaphragm!" - TJ