Pro-life Activists Protest Single Man's Friday Night Masturbation Session

Recently single Jake Hallendale was horrified to learn that his Friday night masturbation session, an event he normally enjoys privately with the aid of a Victoria's Secret catalog and copious amounts of petroleum jelly, was being interrupted by a group of pro-lifers outside his home.

One protester, 82 year old Thelma Snodblatt, was arrested and taken away from the protest scene for attempting to break down Hallendale's door, screaming, "Every single precious spermatozoa gluing those Victoria's Secret catalogue pages together are a potential Tim Tebow!".

When asked for comment, Hallandale replied, "It's humiliating enough that I don't have a date on Friday night and that I'm home alone rubbing one out. Now these Jesus freaks feel like they have the right try to control where I shoot my load? That's just compounding the pain!"

Despite being shocked and horrified by the egregious violation of his privacy, Hallendale affirmed his right to ejaculate wherever, and whenever, he saw fit, regardless of who he happened to fertilize, if at all. "This is just a bunch of cum spread over my never to be realized fantasies of Heidi Klum. If you really want to control someone else's reproduction in the name of the Lord, then by God, teach those nutcase Palin chicks how to use a diaphragm!" - TJ

'Obamacare' To Blame For Venereal Disease, House Republicans Claim

'Obamacare' causes 'The Clap'

In a secret meeting of House G.O.P members before today's debate on Capitol Hill over the repeal of the Health Care Affordability act, it was revealed that an unnamed Republican caught chlamydia, or "The Clap", from so-called "Obmacare", anonymous sources disclosed today.

In deference to the tragedy in Tucson earlier last week, Republicans toned down their rhetoric and left out the word "killing" in their debate,  instead claiming that Obamacare was "destroying" jobs, as well as degrading the quality of condoms House Republicans use in illicit affairs with 20 something club kids.

While failing to logically link either job-destroying or prophylactic failure to Obamacare, Sam Johnson (R-Texas) did give a rousing speech on the floor, "I rise in support of freedom, and America, and free enterprise, and America. As you know, under Obamacare, the federal government forces freedom-loving Americans to hand over their hard-earned cash, to the government, and forces conservative leaders to put out recklessly at a White Party in Palm Springs. Liberty, liberty, freedom!" - TJ

Sarah Palin Ponders Her Own Line of "Kristallnacht" Jewelry

World history expert Sarah Palin may endorse a brand new line of Kristallnacht jewelry, in the event she doesn't run for President in 2012. 

"'Kristallnacht' means 'night of a thousand sparklies', in Jewish or Deutschish, or some other language I haven't pissed on yet",  Palin explained to a room full of lamestream media.

While reading from her hand she went on to say,  "Kristallnacht will bling out your average Fox News viewer like it's 1939. Or wait. Does that say 1938? Damn it,  lamestream media! You keep sneaking in and wiping my hand with rubbing alcohol while I'm not looking!"

When pressed for further details, Palin would only coyly hint, "There might be a line of brown shirts in the works too!" - TJ

Tipper Gore Calls For Warning Labels on Heated Political Rhetoric

In what some regard as a flashback to the 80's, Tipper Gore is now calling for warning labels on heated political rhetoric. 

After viewing questionable material like Sharron Angle's call for "Second Amendment Remedies" and Sarah Palin's website featuring gun sights over the maps of Democratic districts, Gore explained, "The images frightened my children, they frightened me! I am frightened! Way frightened!"

While Gore maintains that she is a strong believer in the first amendment, her activism is geared more towards consumer information in the marketplace. "I mean, for fucks sake," Gore concluded, "Palin captures the attention of Fox News viewers on a regular basis and she doesn't even fucking understand there are two Koreas!" - TJ