House Republicans finally understand the definition of rape after drunken night with Ted Haggard

Complicated heterosexual
often on his knees

 After House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) spent a wild booze filled night with Ted Haggard, a fallen evangelical pastor with a taste for meth and male prostitutes,  a sea change has spread among House Republicans that have previously spent much of the 2011 legislative session redefining the legal recognition of rape, instead of fulfilling their campaign promises of jobs and financial security.

"Is all this my fault?"

Vaguely recalling an evening that started out as an innocent cocktail hour with Haggard, a so-called "heterosexual with complications", Boehner issued a statement claiming he does not recollect anything past his 4th glass of Merlot. Without giving any further details, Boehner only elaborated that he  was "violated, without a doubt".

As tears welled up in his eyes, Speaker Boehner wondered aloud, "Was there something suggestive about my demeanor or manner of dress? Is all this, somehow, my fault?"

Strangely enough, other heterosexuals in the Republican party were not available for comment - TJ