Sunday, August 29, 2010

Real or Satire*? Glenn Bleck announces his very own eight day long Festival Of Lights

In keeping with his practice of appropriating and commodifying sacrosanct traditions, Glenn Beck announced today that he is producing his very own eight day long Festival of Lights. While Beck is no stranger to controversy, many critics on both the left and the right are questioning his decision to begin his "Patriotic Festivus" on  Dec 10, 2010, which just happens to coincide with the celebration of Hanukkah.

Galena Gifeltestein of Park Slope, Brooklyn took aim at Beck, stating "First he had to stage the 9/12 march on Washington, as if we all needed to return to that fearful day after America was attacked. Then he held some disgraceful rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech. Now he wants to piss on Hanukkah? When does the megalomania end? "

When I asked my very own conservative leaning Bubby what she thought of Beck's Patriotic Festivus, all she could answer is "Oy! What the fuck are you smoking? We really need to get you married off."

Beck's answers to critics were equally as vague, stating that the Patriotic Festivus is not a religious ceremony. Rather, "The eight lit candles are to demonstrate eight core patriotic principles: Reverence, Thrift, Humility, Charity, Hard Work, Political Radicalism and Mindless Obedience." When one reporter pointed out that he only listed 7 principles, Beck brushed her off, stating "That's just what the liberal media wants us to think."

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Glenn Beck's supporters should override the rituals and traditions of our three thousand year old religion. In our judgment, supporting Glenn Beck's Festival of Lights is not about rights, its about what's right." - TJ

* This is, in fact, satire. For now. Oy.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Real or satire*? GOP announces an end to the strategy of marginalizing people. Plans to focus on jobs, balancing the budget and ending un-winnable wars instead.

For many years Republicans have won elections by demonizing different groups of people in the American melting pot. Most infamously, this started with the “Southern Strategy” in the Nixon years and was continued by Reagan’s racist caricature of welfare queens in the 80s. Before the ever popular homosexual lifestyle became popular, George W. Bush won the Presidential Election in 2004 (for the first time!) by espousing the Federal Marriage Amendment, whereby the denial of marriage rights to gays and lesbians would be enshrined in the Constitution if it had passed. Even recently, Republicans have been known to fire up its base by characterizing Muslims and illegal immigrants as enemy terrorists. 

However, all of that has changed following the utterly shocking announcement that former RNC Chairman, and strident anti-gay activist, Ken Mehlman, was really just a self-loathing closet case!  Mehlman’s revelation rocked the very foundation of the GOP establishment, with current RNC Chairman Micheal Steele remarking, “Well there goes that strategy of blaming everything on the gays! Shit, now we actually have to find a way to provide real leadership to this country. ”

Steele went on further to say “So, ok. This is going to be hard, but let’s focus on creating jobs, balancing the budget and ending un-winnable wars.” When asked how he planned to end the twin quagmires of Iraq and Afghanistan he declared, “ Simple. Withdraw all of our troops and send young Republicans to Iraq, send old Republicans to Afghanistan. Hell, the old ones are going to die soon anyway.” -TJ

*Satire - Old Republicans will probably die comfortably of old age here in America. The young Republicans will probably go on to top Ken Mehlman, making him not only a huge hypocrite, but also a big ol' bottom.

Let's all join in welcoming Ken Mehlman to the ever popular homosexual lifestyle!!

I thought it was exaggeration. I thought it was sarcasm. I thought it was satire. Ken Mehlman, former RNC chairman and Bush campaign adviser who built his career off of demonizing gays, reveals he's been one of us all along! Please, let's all join in welcoming Ken Mehlman to the ever popular homosexual lifestyle. Now that Mehlman is an out and proud Republican, will he join the fight to defend the institution of anal sex from being weakened by the heterosexuals?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Real or Satire*? Heterosexuals are weakening the institution of anal sex, fundamentalist gays claim.

    A new battlefield has been declared in the culture wars with fundamentalist gay group DefendSodomy calling for a ban on anal sex between heterosexuals.  Chairman Bryce S. Brown said in a press conference Friday, “Anal sex is meant to be between one man and one other man.”  He then further added “Or a bunch of other men. Whatever.  Anal sex is just not meant to be enjoyed by women. It’s just not how God made us.”

 Thompson’s remarks are coming amid a flurry of criticism from a wide variety of heterosexuals, including teenagers that have sex without breaking their virginity pledge.  18 year old Hadassah Kinklestein explains, “Being the only Jewish kid in a Catholic school I felt pressured to take the virginity pledge and keep myself wholesome and pure.  Anal sex is the only way to get laid without breaking that pledge. Without it, we’d just be stuck giving blowjobs“. 

Many activists are firing back at DefendSodomy, including Anne and Arnold Connor from Bowling Green, Kentucky, a happily married couple who are self described anal enthusiasts.  “If you’re going to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, I say it is a gift from God to have a wife that will do anal” Arnold said.

His wife agreed stating, “I don’t need Brown telling me what’s enjoyed by women.  You think you need a prostate gland to enjoy anal? I think that choice should be up to women.”  Anne concluded saying “DefendSodomy needs to get the stick out of their asses, metaphorically speaking”.
Criticisms aimed at DefendSodomy have not fazed activists, with Brown reasoning “We cannot elevate heterosexual sodomy to the status of gay sodomy. If we allow heterosexuals to redefine anal sex, then what comes next? Women topping men, women topping women, men topping women AND men. Once you rip a ship off its mooring,” he proclaimed apocalyptically, “who knows where it will drift next?”
Oddly enough, representatives from the Holy Roman Catholic Church declined to comment on this issue. –TJ

* Satire - Hadassah Kinklestein has, in fact, been kicked out of Catholic school for some time now

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Real or Satire?* Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan, Lindsey Graham quit pretending to be straight, find out they aren’t that good at being gay either

Following much speculation about their respective sexual orientations, Charlie Crist, Elena Kagan and Lindsey Graham announced this week they are banding together to end their charade of “monastic” heterosexuality to embrace the ever popular homosexual lifestyle.  The reception of their announcement was largely positive from gay friendly heterosexuals, with pundits from both sides of the aisle praising their bipartisan effort to FINALLY come out of the closet.

However, there was criticism over the trio’s coming out from a group from you’d least expect: the gays themselves.  It seems that although Crist, Kagan and Graham did a terrible job of acting straight, they aren’t doing a satisfactory job of acting gay either.  24 year old Galena Gifeltestein from Park Slope, Brooklyn summed it up best when she explained “I use to have sexual fantasies about Elena Kagan posing suggestively across my Subaru wearing nothing but judiciously fluffed whipped cream and a smile. But now“, she gestures to a picture of Kagan donning earrings and makeup for the Senate confirmation hearings, “that fantasy has been ruined“.  Gifeltestein then added “I guess I’ll have to go back to fantasizing about Hillary Clinton.” 

Gifeltestein is certainly not alone in expressing her disdain at the rather un-gay emergence of the recently out political figures. Eric Canker,  Chairman of the (Bath)House Gays and Means committee issued a statement strongly condemning Crist’s  tanorexic appearance and Lindsey Graham’s less than shapely physique. “I mean really”,  Canker said, “could it hurt him to hit the gym once in a while?” 

Canker went further to praise the highly successful recruitment efforts of innocent children, men and women into the gay lifestyle over the past decade. “But for realz, we need to start measuring success in terms of quality, not quantity. We can’t just have these slobs representing the gay agenda. ” He then concluded his statement by snapping his fingers in the air and yelling, “Heyyyy!” 

Upon hearing the Chairman’s remarks, Charlie Crist reportedly banged his head against the wall in anguish and cried, “What can I do to live up to the cliché?” -TJ

*This is, in fact, satire. Most lesbian fantasies these days center on Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius rather than Hillary Clinton.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hello again

After floating from one ill-fated webzine to another, I've decided to set up shop on my own little modest patch of the blogosphere, commenting on the constant hilarity of the Florida 2010 elections, the nation and beyond.