House Republicans finally understand the definition of rape after drunken night with Ted Haggard

Complicated heterosexual
often on his knees

 After House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) spent a wild booze filled night with Ted Haggard, a fallen evangelical pastor with a taste for meth and male prostitutes,  a sea change has spread among House Republicans that have previously spent much of the 2011 legislative session redefining the legal recognition of rape, instead of fulfilling their campaign promises of jobs and financial security.

"Is all this my fault?"

Vaguely recalling an evening that started out as an innocent cocktail hour with Haggard, a so-called "heterosexual with complications", Boehner issued a statement claiming he does not recollect anything past his 4th glass of Merlot. Without giving any further details, Boehner only elaborated that he  was "violated, without a doubt".

As tears welled up in his eyes, Speaker Boehner wondered aloud, "Was there something suggestive about my demeanor or manner of dress? Is all this, somehow, my fault?"

Strangely enough, other heterosexuals in the Republican party were not available for comment - TJ

Sarah Palin Ponders Her Own Line of "Kristallnacht" Jewelry

World history expert Sarah Palin may endorse a brand new line of Kristallnacht jewelry, in the event she doesn't run for President in 2012. 

"'Kristallnacht' means 'night of a thousand sparklies', in Jewish or Deutschish, or some other language I haven't pissed on yet",  Palin explained to a room full of lamestream media.

While reading from her hand she went on to say,  "Kristallnacht will bling out your average Fox News viewer like it's 1939. Or wait. Does that say 1938? Damn it,  lamestream media! You keep sneaking in and wiping my hand with rubbing alcohol while I'm not looking!"

When pressed for further details, Palin would only coyly hint, "There might be a line of brown shirts in the works too!" - TJ

Tipper Gore Calls For Warning Labels on Heated Political Rhetoric

In what some regard as a flashback to the 80's, Tipper Gore is now calling for warning labels on heated political rhetoric. 

After viewing questionable material like Sharron Angle's call for "Second Amendment Remedies" and Sarah Palin's website featuring gun sights over the maps of Democratic districts, Gore explained, "The images frightened my children, they frightened me! I am frightened! Way frightened!"

While Gore maintains that she is a strong believer in the first amendment, her activism is geared more towards consumer information in the marketplace. "I mean, for fucks sake," Gore concluded, "Palin captures the attention of Fox News viewers on a regular basis and she doesn't even fucking understand there are two Koreas!" - TJ

Westboro Baptist Church plans to go back in time and protest Jesus Christ on the cross

After a litany of bizarre protests at funerals of fallen soldiers, hate crime victims and public figures, the infamous Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they are staging a protest against Jesus Christ on the cross.

After taking a hit off the family crack pipe, Fred Phelps, supreme douchebag and leader of the renegade church, outlined his plan to lead his followers back in time to the ancient and storied Crucifixion in order to inform the world that God, indeed, hates Jesus Christ. “As soldiers of God, we are defying the socialist laws of time and space that God hates so much to go back 2000 years and protest the martyrdom of our so-called Lord Jesus Christ.”

Megan Phelps-Roper, a prominent member who often functions as the social networking liaison for the church declared, “Jesus Christ is a Jew, a socialist, a long haired hippie that wanders around the desert with prostitutes and other Jews, healing the sick and turning water into wine. God hates Jews. God hates socialism. God hates hookers. And God especially obviously hates his only begotten son since he left him to die on the cross. God hates Jesus Christ!”

The Anti-Defamation League also weighed in on this issue with the following official statement, "There are legitimate differences of opinion regarding the Westboro Baptist Church’s protest of Jesus Christ on the cross. To us, after much discussion and debate it became clear that the overriding concerns of Westboro Baptist Church should override the concerns of the martyred Christ. In our judgment, supporting the Westboro Baptist Church is not about rights, its about what's right." -TJ